Winner
Pecco Bagnaia
This weekend’s only winner. It bore us all to tears by a huge margin better than any other.
Losers
Holland
Being Dutch is not easy. All the Dutch children, as their feet grew, were badly damaged by wooden shoes, sticking their toes in poorly guarded walls to stop a flood that would drown thousands of people. There’s more to trying to sleep than a 24-hour sex shop or a government-funded brothel. Finally, there’s the awful food – when was the last time you heard the words “let’s go to the Netherlands”? This is why drugs are legal in Holland.
Fortunately, the residents of Windmill have the most amazing racing circuit in the world. Or at least they had until they cut it in half and made it 50% good. Why did they do that? So you can build more hotels for visitors to the track…which is secretly reduced by 50%.
But Asen’s track is still very good. So the locals can take their damaged legs and jump on the nearest girl’s bike and watch an amazing race by pedaling with used needles. Only this time they couldn’t. The competition was terrible – until the big task after the competition was in the steward’s office.
But at least they had Dutchman Colin Vejer. who is he It’s the Moto3 rider who looks set to win his first race in front of his Edam-eating countrymen. Sadly though, Colin crashed in the final corner on the final lap…
But at least the Netherlands have Max Verstappen. And before Max became champion, no one in Holland had ever heard of Formula 1 and in less than 24 hours they all became contemporaries/hooligans. Verstappen’s ‘swipe left’ face was ‘racing’ at the Austrian border and expected to win in front of the half-wits in orange. But he was spoiled and behaved like a spoiled child.
George Martin
Two second places would be a good result for any other driver. But not to the angry Spaniard. Yet again, with the ‘help’ of a remote adjustment, Martineter suddenly found he had nothing to contend with against Bagnaian and instead saw his championship lead dwindle again…
Unrelenting Honda
Like the Disney Repsolless Honda, it simply hits rock bottom and keeps digging. Not a single point in sight for the once great team all weekend.
In Sunday’s race, Luca ‘Morris’ Marini continued his consistent run in the last places, unsurprisingly, finishing more than 70 seconds off the leader. Meanwhile, Joan Mir also went off the pace and fell, for 87Th This season, trying not to be.
It was a weekend where many who had disgraced themselves, their families, their hairstyles and their country would fall by the sword.
Mark Marquez
Marc came to Assen confident knowing he would be a factory rider next season after seeing his hated countryman George ‘stop the rage’ Martin. But this didn’t really help.
The most hated man in Italy crashes a sprint race and discovers in the main race that his lazy engineers didn’t wet his front tire enough. Afraid of being sent off under the ‘Oxley Ruling’, Marc tried to increase the pressure by riding behind another driver as much as possible – a tactic he gained a lot of experience with when it came to the Honda race. But it wasn’t enough. Marquez was penalized 18 seconds for a decision error… meaning he finished ahead of Morbidelli.
Gigi Dall’Igna
Did the Nipsey make the right decision during the swing?
Friends of Pedro Acosta
The young Spanish stallion is a sensational rider and a once-in-a-lifetime must-see. We can all agree on that. But what we can mostly agree on is that we don’t need a constant barrage of high opinionated girls screaming about it. We got it. We really do.
Lately though, Pedro’s successes have been very much sub-Pedro and in Holland it was no different. Finished in the middle of the sprint and another crash in the main race put Acosta with his tail between his legs as he headed back to the pits.
Still better than Jack Miller.
I
Imagine having to sit down and try to write something funny this weekend? This, you are reading, is my attempt at forgiveness.
Franco Morbidelli
Three of the four Factory Special Ducati riders finished on the podium. Believe it or not, Morbidelli was the other rider. The Italian seat-hugger was nowhere near the podium and instead finished in a miserable 10th placeTh place and finish as the ultimate Ducati.
Marco Bezecchi
I spent all weekend falling without being too good or too good. Aprilia may have few regrets now.
Alex Rin
The curvy Spaniard broke his leg and arm in another off-limits blunder and will now miss next week’s Sausagering Liederhosen-shenanigans.
Alex Espargaro
Alex, the most experienced rider on the grid, proved that experience is no substitute for real experience when he crashed on the edge of the final lap of the sprint race and broke something (I don’t mind looking up).
As a result, the highly experienced Espargaro has the experience of not competing on Sunday, sitting on his ass.
