The Paris Olympics are over, but the 2024 Paris Paralympics will soon begin. Several MotoGP riders qualify as Paralympians. Certainly, the trio of Marc Marquez, Alex Rins and Cal Crutchlow cannot muster a fully functional 8 legs between the three of them. Rumors from the paddock suggest that Independent Media is close to closing a deal with the Olympic Committee to include MotoGP in a format similar to the modern pentathlon. In this article, we explore the possibility of extreme motorcycle racing as an Olympic sport in Los Angeles 2028.
What is modern pentathlon?
It’s a stupid, manufactured sport that no one watches. The modern pentathlon was officially the most popular Olympic sport until breakdancing came along and sank faster than the not-so-dejacent millionaire yachts in the Mediterranean.
As the name suggests, modern pentathlon consists of 5 events. These are thought to represent the skills a soldier in the Napoleonic Wars needed to escape enemy lines and fight his way home. Swimming, fencing, riding random horses you don’t know, shooting and running. (They don’t include drunkenness, slavery, and dying of smallpox because “Octathlon” doesn’t have the same ring to it).
At the Paris 2024 show, the equestrian component of show jumping will be scrapped in favor of the 2028 Ninja Warrior-style obstacle course due to animal welfare concerns. It is very funny, of course. The horse in the clip below looks like he had a great time at Paris 2024. Look how pleased the magnificent beast is with himself as he majestically walks away!
That’s what you get by naming a horse “RC213V”, I guess.
What does this have to do with MotoGP?
Well, until now at least, the modern pentathlon had horses in it. And as everyone knows, there are 3 types of people in horses:
1. Rich idiots with more money than brains.
2. Poor idiots who rezone their homes so that their untalented children can ride instead of getting schooled.
3. Professional drivers who are reasonably regular without being petty and angry.
Obviously, horses are a perfect match for motorcycle racing in every way, except that they are more expensive and dangerous than motorcycles.
What does the MotoGP Pentathlon look like?
All 5 events are considered ready for inclusion in the Olympic MotoGP Pentathlon.
Event 1: Paddock Scooter Taekwondo
Skills: Riding/Fighting
Couples on paddock scooters face off side by side in a lap-long penalty line as couples try to punch and hit the ground. This is a tribute to the greatest race of the MotoGP era: September 2015.
Event 2: 50m deep gravel sprint
Ability: Running
Riders start by lying on their backs, then jump up and run 50 meters on gravel. This represents running to turn off their bike’s engine before it kills itself so that it doesn’t run alongside for long after they fall.
Event 3: Picking up a fallen bike
Skill: Weightlifting
Riders will pick up a number of defunct motorcycles, starting with a Moto3 bike and building up to a Harley-Davidson bugger (until the HD “Bud Light” can make themselves out of existence in 2028, exactly a century after the current range of engines. Set). Points increase by increasing the weight of the bike. This machine represents the pick-up after Marc Marquez passed the rider “spirited pass”.
Event 4: Throwing a helmet
Ability: Shot Put
Riders will have 3 attempts to drop as many crash helmets as possible. This is when riders fall through their own stupid mistakes, but they blame the bike or the innocent rider who was there (usually Zarco) when they crashed.
Event 5: Sumo
Ability: Fighting
Riders in sumo suits fight each other. This featured a verbal war with an impossibly sleepy, pig journo pool at the post-race press conference.
Conclusion
It’s about time that motorcycles were represented at the Olympics, as the games already included golf clubs. The new MotoGP Pentathlon event will show the world all the skills needed to become a top MotoGP rider.
