While we are at the end of July, most of us in the advanced northern hemisphere have taken advantage of the summer months to relax and unwind. But not everyone was as sweet as nuts.
So, in the article you begged us to write, we learned that July was the worst among the candidates.
Candidates:
George Martin
For the so-called “Martinator,” July ended in a tumultuous heap of despair and misery. The Spaniard, who won the race in Germany, was leading the main race with a handful of laps to go. This was a good return for George before the summer break.
He then loses the win and the championship goes to his archrival Peco Bagnaia. Suddenly summer vacation was all rain clouds and Coldplay.
Plump lesbian secret service woman
Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) is everything these days. It’s all about representation. Women should be represented in all occupations…unless they are unpleasant roles like oil rigs or paving roads. In those cases representation is nothing.
Ironically, the DEI, along with the head of the organization, Kimberly Chittle, passed a law allowing women into the role without being good at the job. And this is where Plump Lesbian Secret Service Woman (PLSSW) comes into the story.
PLSSW was one of several agents assigned to guard former Orange President Donald Trump on the day of the assassination attempt. Usually, this role just requires them to walk up to a bunch of black SUVs in dark sunglasses and drive away… though unfortunately that wasn’t the case on the day in question…
When the shot was fired, most of the Secret Service jumped in on Donald to protect him and take a literal bullet for the most famous man on earth. Except PLSSW. Rather, “What shall we do, what shall we do?” She hid behind the men.
Later, once the threat is removed (neutral = multiple shots) the brave PLSSW is seen pretending to be brave and trying to put the gun back in its holster… and trying… and trying. It became clear that this agent was not the right person for the job.
Max Verstappen
Verstappen is an F1 driver with a face like a torn spleen who is all smiles and jokes when he wins but is a completely annoying spoiled brat when he isn’t. He does it like any other driver. But recently Max has taken it to a higher level.
Earlier in the month, the Dutchman was having a shocker at the tournament in Hungary. With a huge car advantage over his rivals (along with his lazy Mexican teammate), Verstappen was now feeling the pressure as the other teams closed in on Red Bull’s performance advantage.
During the race, Max cried like a baby on the radio saying that the car was not fast enough, the team had the wrong order and his leg was rubbing his back. He was a delightful radio fodder of constant puerile whines.
The race ended with a less-than-maligned Brett sliding out and making a horrendous pass attempt into Lewis BLM Hamilton. Verstappen went straight back to the team’s radio cattle ranch, as his race engineer had clearly had enough of such rants to the “crying Dutchman” several times: “Stop being a kid!” he said. Live for thousands of viewers.
Jack Black
Jack Black is an accomplished Hollywood actor famous for movies like “School of Rock”…and probably others that no one remembers. He is one half of the comedy rock duo ‘Tenacious D’. Until this month, no one knew or cared who Tenacious D’s other half was—he was a bald fat guy who was fueling Jack’s popularity.
But that’s all they got for Burton during the tournament in Australia. Another Tenacious D’s Kyle Gass has been officially caught on film saying the next Donald Trump shooter ‘don’t miss it next time’. Oh, how everyone laughed.
Sadly, someone posted this video online and within hours the internet exploded saying that an incident where an innocent person was killed should not be joked about. Suddenly the laughter stopped and the hatred began…
Loss of fans
George Martin
Fortunately for George, he has no fans to lose. He’s neither liked nor hated, but rather a generic rider from the never-ending Spanish chorizo-machine.
Score: ⭐
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Just to be safe, no one knows who PLSSW is – she could be one of the male, Palestinian flag-waving nutjobs America is subject to. So she didn’t have a fan base to begin with because of that. A lucky escape.
Score: ⭐
Max Verstappen
Max is lucky enough to find a giant loyal, pea-brained follower of his sprawling land worship. Most of these fans are Dutch and until 2018, had never even heard of F1, let alone seen a race. Fortunately, they are all now ‘seasonal experts’ and trackside can be heard imparting their unrivaled knowledge by throwing Verstappen at a non-driver.
Score: ⭐⭐⭐
Jack Black
An on-stage blunder backfired for the stand-up comedian as fans quickly began following Tim Lardo.
Jack, whose real name is Thomas, realized people were hating on him and the band apologized to ChatGPT on social media, saying he was “shocked” by the stranger’s comments.
Sadly, despite a new video for Thomas saying ‘don’t miss it next time’, the apology is completely meaningless and has left many fans behind.
Score: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Public ridicule
George Martin
Some of the cynical MotoGP media wanted to poke fun at Martin’s fall from Ducati and grace. But we are not.
It was widely accepted that George had done his best to defeat the evil factory bologna machine, but was now powerless against the inevitable.
Score: ⭐⭐
Plump lesbian secret service woman
Where do we start? As the internet began to make fun of her and the Secret Service in general, memes were multiplying faster than idiots — all created by alt-right white males.
Score: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Max Verstappen
The F1 community, not including the Orange fans, came together to give Verstappen a good verbal shot, mocking him for his childish behavior. Obviously, all the commentators would have preferred to give Max’s father Joss a real kick but this option was an acceptable option.
Score: ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Jack Black
Not much teasing here. More hatred.
Score: ⭐
Loss of income
George Martin
The Spanish rider could definitely be on the winning-bonus for throwing pebbles at the German. Seriously though, with the championship lead going to Bagnaia (if Ducati decide to be this year’s winner), this spells the end of poor George’s championship dreams.
Score: ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Plump lesbian secret service woman
Don’t be afraid friends. Given her minority status within the PLSSW organization, anything else would be a hate crime and she would be safe in her role. Sadly, some of the agents who did their jobs that day would be fired for making her look terrible and considering her ‘useless’ and ‘incompetent’ adjectives.
Score: ⭐
Max Verstappen
It is highly profitable. Kelly Pickett, the beautiful daughter of Nelson Pickett, finds him somehow attractive. Which is not an easy task. Any loss of income will not be overlooked.
Score: ⭐⭐
Jack Black
After the riots, which happened at the Perth gig, the Australian government made a request to deport Tenacious Dean – which is ironic for an isolated nation anyway.
This prompted Jack to cancel the remainder of his multimillion-dollar world tour.
Score: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Long term effects
George Martin
The crash may have cost Martineter the championship. Considering he’s moving to Aprilia next season, that means he won’t be world champion.
Score: ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Plump lesbian secret service woman
Then-Secret Service Director Kimberly Chettle was forced to resign after the disaster. Chittle faced constant verbal abuse from angry Americans, prompting her to commit herself to a full-time, all-male Secret Service protection team.
But in the end, and after trying to blame everyone, Kimberly had to give up the role, except for the very generous pay package she was rewarded for her incredible achievements.
If the next director decides that actual talent is more important than DEI, a weak PLSSW may find herself out of a job. Luckily she can sue them for being something-‘ist’.
Score: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Max Verstappen
At first glance, the Hungarian race doesn’t count for much as Verstappen has a huge lead in the championship and has a far superior car. However, the sour-faced blue-bucket had a very underwhelming race at the final F1 rally, finishing fifth on the road. Did this break his spirit?
Score: ⭐⭐
Jack Black
Jack Black’s long-term prospects don’t look good. Tenacious D will probably never play again and Hollywood loves to throw back anyone who needs help.
Recently, Poor Black tried to beg on stage with Kid Rock at the Republican National Convention, but was dismissed as “awake”. So the left hates him along with the right.
Score: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Final results:
- Jack Black 16
- PLSSW 12
- Max Verstappen 11
- George Martin 11
Winner
So did Jack Black have the worst July ever? No – it was actually the Parisians who were associated with the most hated Olympic ceremony where a man brought a nut next to his child!
