There have been quite a few instances of MotoGP riders visiting the track during qualifying sessions recently. Do you think they are Moto3 drivers or something? This practice of qualifying practice must stop. It’s dangerous and stupid. (as a Moto3 rider). In this article, we’ll explore ways to discourage MotoGP stars (and wild card challengers) from cruising at 40mph on the 120mph top.
LET THE SLOW RIDERS GO!!!
You know that movie? Does the bus have to keep its speed above 50 mph and explode if the speed drops below 50 mph? I think it’s called “The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down”. We should do the same for MotoGP bikes anyway. Put the hairpins on it a little late to get them around but if you spend too long going slow the bike will go KABLOOEEYY!!!. (It doesn’t matter if the bike ends up in the pit lane, mechanics can fix anything these days, with computers and all).
Nut clamp
Have you heard of the triple clamp? (No? Never mind, it’s okay). Well, MotoGP bikes must be fitted with a lug nut. A large industrial vice must be folded into the sitting room. (Or “whiz” if you’re American and therefore can’t spell or brew the substance known as “beer”). A If riders are going too slow on a qualifier, the assistant gently but firmly squeezes their teammates and encourages them to think about how fast a lap should be completed. Admittedly, it adds a little weight above the center of gravity, but the benefits outweigh the disadvantages.
Control the throttle for a nearby monkey
Throttle turns both ways. But it should mostly be plugged in a wide open space. Monkeys understand this, even if Stefan Bradl doesn’t. A If the rider is too slow, the ride motion by the wire throttle should be transmitted to the remote control operated by the trackside monkey. Better a tired and grumpy monkey for not getting a KTM ride this year.
Force slow drivers to listen to Coldplay
There can be no worse torture than listening to Coldplay. That’s why the CIA created Coldplay in the first place, so the band’s funky, upper-middle-class, woke, vegan, whiny, finger-lickin’ selves were used to torture people at Guantanamo (they used to make the prisoners listen). BBC Radio 4, however, was not well received). MotoGP riders must wear headphones, and if they’re going too slow, Coldplay music must start blasting. Of course, forcing people to listen to the world’s loudest, baddest band would be illegal in every region on the planet, but Dorna could rock it, as always.
Electrical receptacles
There wouldn’t be a race without trackside marshals, but they don’t have much freedom. They can wave a yellow flag if someone falls off their side, if someone’s bike goes cabley and spews oil everywhere for no reason, they show a “reduced adhesion” yellow and red striped flag, and a red X shows a white flag. If it rains in this sector. But that’s about it. So let’s get our orange-clad heroes to take more control of their environment! If a rider is tripping over the racing line, the marshals must have a button that can be pressed to electrocute the slippoke. The villain is quickly lured into a gravel trap, whereupon they surround him and boot in a few moments to show their frustration. There is no downside to this suggestion.
Conclusion
It is surprising that none of these suggestions have yet been adopted.
